Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
