you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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