I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
