sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
