I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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