I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
