we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
