Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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