my phone needs a breathalizer
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
