Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
