wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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