i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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