I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
