In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
