So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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