now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My ass is underappreciated
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
