Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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