Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
