Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
