why didn't you poke me back
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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