Yo dont text me then not text me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
