ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
