wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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