u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
