I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
