dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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