i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
