On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
