My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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