MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
