I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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