Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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