Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
