I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
