Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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