Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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