It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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