Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
