i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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