Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
