Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
