Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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