Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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