so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
