Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
