Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
