Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
