So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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