I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
