I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
