I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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