Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
