Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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