I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
