i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
be right there i have to get my cape
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
