He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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